I support Global Warming. You’re probably asking, “Tanner, don’t you mean you believe in Global Warming?” Okay, first of all, it’s called Global Climate Change, so call it the right name. How would you feel if someone called you the wrong name all the time? They’d be like, “Hey Keith,” and you’d be like, “I’m not Keith, I’m Chelsea!” That would be frustrating, wouldn’t it?
I support Global Climate Change. We know that everything science (or guys named Bill who speak in behalf of science) says is true. And science says this planet is heating up. I say, “Bring it on!”
If there’s one thing I hate, it’s when people don’t do the dishes. If there’s a second thing I hate, it’s when people disrespect their mother. Well listen up folks, Mother Earth is getting chilly and she wants to turn up the thermostat. I SUPPORT OUR MOM!
Maybe it’s because I was born in the hottest summer in the hottest state in the world (Arizona). Maybe it’s the fact that I spent two years living on the equator. Or maybe it’s because I’m a sensible human being. But I think cold weather is the greatest hoax of all time.
I’m tired of winter. It reminds me too much of a girl I took out once — cold, flaky, white and showing very little signs of life. Winter is expensive. Think winter clothes, heating, snow tires, hot chocolate, ski resort passes etc. The only reason we have Christmas and New Years in the winter is so that we have an excuse to celebrate.
I’m not the only one who thinks that winter is overrated. Earth thinks so too. That’s why Earth is heating up. I think we should help her out. Let’s get rid of this cold once and for all. Grab a can of CO2 and go to town. Leave your car running. Let’s startle Guinness with the world’s largest carbon footprint. When you are relaxing on a warm beach in January, you will thank me.
I figure that some of you might doubt the reality of Global Climate Change. If that is the case, let’s imagine that you and I are alone in a room where we can talk openly and freely, just the two of us. I imagine our conversation would go something like this:
Me: Son, I have something very important to tell you.
You: I’m not your son.
Me: Not yet, but once we sign the papers you will be.
You: What papers? What are you even talking about?
Me: Never mind, I can see you’re not mature enough for this conversation. Your mother and I will have to wait until you are older.
You: You don’t even know my mother. What conversation?
Me: I certainly do know Mother Earth! I know her better than you do and I love her with all my heart!
You: This is getting weird. Can I go?
Me: Not yet. The door is on a timer and won’t unlock for another 6 minutes.
You: Okay… what did you want to talk about?
Me: Global Climate Change. Your mother and I think it’s important that you finally get with the times and start supporting it.
You: Oh yeah, I’ve seen An Inconvenient Truth. I believe.
Me: SEEING ISN’T BELIEVING! BELIEVING IS SEEING!
You: Did you get that from The Santa Claus movie?
Me: That’s right. And Santa is going to continue freezing his tail off if we don’t do something. It’s not enough to just watch the video of the ex-future first lady’s husband; you have to act, Keith!
You: I’m not Keith, I’m Chelsea.
Me: Whatever.
You: I know you have to act. You have to use less water and electricity. Obviously the most important thing is to drastically curtail CO2 emissions both as individuals and as corporations and…
Me: WHO DIED AND MADE YOU AL GORE? You’ve got this all wrong! Don’t you get it?! We are trying to heat the planet up! It’s time to do away with winter! It’s time to have bermuda shorts and Beach Boys albums going all year round! It’s time for Earth to become an Eden again!
You: …
Me: Sandwich?
You: No thanks.
Me: Well, I’m glad we had this talk. Here’s a some plastic. Go burn it.
tanner gilliland 